I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
