the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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