Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
