did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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