Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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