i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
