she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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