Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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