i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
And the cops told us we were all naked.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
