I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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