How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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