Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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