I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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