New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Randomize
