I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
