I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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