he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
