I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
