WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
