Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
