3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
