I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
