so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
