I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
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The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize