I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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