I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Randomize
