actually, I'm a sock model
i think i have two assholes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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