I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
smell my finger.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
