checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
