Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
