So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm too high and old for this...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
