Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
