cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
