the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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