Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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