TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
