1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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