Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
