Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
