dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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