thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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