I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
