dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
