Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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