If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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