you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
