I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
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