we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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