I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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