Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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