The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
