20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
