If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
