Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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