I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
do herpes really smell.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
