I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
