I'm lost and stupid without you.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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