Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
