My nipple is on Facebook.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
