i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
