Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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