Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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