he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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